I am unstable. I have to admit it. But I thought everyone is unstable? There are times when we are on the rise. Then, there are times we are down..way down..
Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling down..It is just that I am reflecting my life now..I am matured now..I could feel the change in my life..What I feel is REALITY knocks me in the head and wrestles me to the ground..I wish I am a good wrestler..Unfortunately, I am just in the same standard as the ring girl (the one that carries ROUND 1, ROUND 2 etc card)
I have made mistakes in my life..One of it is closing my heart to have friends. I was hurt by my former friends while I was in Form 4. Almost 10 years later, the trauma still bites me like a bloodsucking hungrier-than-ever vampire. Honestly, I am afraid that my friend will leave me again. Even during my university years, I still held the keys to my friendly side. Yes, it was still closed. Reflecting on it, I feel like an old cold witch living alone in a palace way out of the homo sapiens radar.
Nevertheless, marriage life has changed me for good. At 25 years old, I realize the only way to advance and improve my social life is to unlock the key to friendship. I must be able to reach out to people. Hence, I started to hang out with my friends today. I am trying slowly to get into conversation with them. Although I'm not good with itsy bitsy aka small talk, I am still improving by chatting along.
Lately, I left my guard down..I just pray so hard what had happened 10 years ago would not happened again..
PS : Why couldn't I let go off the hurt in the past?
That is such a waste because I have to live IN a beautiful future.
Smile,
- Ella -
